Nothing emotionally compares to today...at least nothing I have faced/accomplished in a long while.

I want to write about two things and I'll write about them in the order they happened.  I really want to tell a success story and I simply need to honor a passing friend who ultimately was one of the people who pushed me to pursue new things and face my inner strength more and more.

So I will write and forgive me if what I write is shocking, conceited, or out of line...I just cant deal with an all sad or all happy post now.

Today for the first time in my life I bit my fear of the unknown in the butt as I strapped on a harness and climbed my first two walls at Ralph Stover.  Granted, these were "easy" training walls, but I made it to the top got over my urge to quit and really accomplished something new with grace (Ok maybe a little more grace than my usual lack thereof).  Dont get me wrong I wasn't gung-ho balls to the wall about it, but I spent the day being calm and remained calm up until the harness got tied in.  I guess my fear of it being unsafe was demolished when I watched so many people big and small climb and succeed and climb and fail gracefully at Birdsboro and thought...hmm if they can so can I.  We are all hippies really and this is what we do, we love nature.

There were moments when Adam really kept me motivated telling me that I am finishing the wall there is no other option and I'd turn around and rethink it.  It really is a sport you mentally need to overcome in order to truly tackle that climb.

I also must add that the recent trail running I have been pursuing has given me some strength and skills to do this as balance and footwork are key in learning. 

So one may ask why was rock climbing so well for you and snowboarding you basically cried like a baby and the answer is simple....It is much easier to trust yourself to maneuver than it is to trust a board entirely with your balance and direction.  This is why I'm good with say running and swimming and terrible at baseball....if I have to accomplish something by manipulating something else I am simply lost but to trust my own body, my own moves, and even my goofy footing is amazingly easier to handle. 

So captain adventure got me through another challange.  He is doing wonders for my self esteem and even my sense of adventure.  He makes me brave and gives me the security of knowing he believes in me.  Its no joke that learning new things is great when someone that loves you is waiting at the end cheering you on and is surprisingly excited with you....

But after I peaked on the rocks I got back to my car to have a missed message. 

Jane was what I would say one of the strongest people I had ever worked with and she remained a smiling gem on any bad day.  She battled breast cancer and a husband who changed preferences with class and charm and pure bravery.  Her family left her and moved to CA and she was left here alone with cats and work.  She rarely complained even when she felt sick and was always interested in learning more about people.

She really loved people.

What I'm going to miss about Jane were her little insights and the way she just passed over her own sad stories and tried to help others with theirs.  She was an aamzing friend to a fellow bakery member and I guess the favors been repaid however terminal as it was.

What makes me sad is that I had so much hope she would somehow just overcome this and come in and tell me she was moving to Cali to lay on the beach and listen to the foo fighters.  You always recognize you didnt do enough after it was too late and sadly I didn't do enough but be a distant yet supportive boss when she was sick.  I hope she knows that I am going to carry a little piece of her with me always (as I have been)  she really reached out to me when she was sick  because I was lost and her wisom should live on.

There are going to be so many tears tomorrow and I know its exactly what she didn't want but we will all miss her strength, courage, and heart.  We all wanted this to turn around and for her to sneak in and say a friendly hello. 

Finding my strength to pass along the message and help people cope will be one of my biggest emotional challanges in a while as I am currently greiving her loss a lot. 

Please always remember to tell the people you believe in how much they mean to you, because you never know when or if you can pass the message along.  RIP Jane Sherman....I'll play Hero for you in your memory everytime I think of you.

Current Music: "Funny How Life is" Dave Matthews band

So there really is a million stories I could post that occurred in the past 7 days but I'm afraid one big blog will bore you to tears so I'll try to keep it short, simple, and easily readable for the add at heart.

Last weekend I took off work to enjoy camping with Adam (something that really connects us) and of course run in the Valley Forge Revolutionary run.  Believe it or not, I have actually been training to run this race for months sacrificing some sleep, junk food, even coffee to really get my body in good enough shape simply to finish the race.  I even sacrificed a bra size which I have been mourning over its loss for a solid two weeks now.  

It was such a nice weekend with the most perfect warm/cool weather that only the early spring and early fall months can provide.  We stayed at a fairly close by state park, French Creek, right outside of Birdsboro, PA.  The park was crowded as many tenters took the near perfect weather to air out their gear and kick off the season.  I packed a ton of food as friends would be joining us Saturday and was completely blown away when from beneath a blanket in his toolbox, Adam had stowed away the grill I have been drooling over in stores everywhere.  The Coleman Roadmate is my perfect idiotproof grilling machine and is quite frankly the best gift I ever received from a person I was dating.

We hiked, he rock climbed, we ate, we relaxed, we played, and we spent time together.  It was such a wonderfully perfect weekend with a few minor exceptions.  A tick encountered my neck and decided to have a midmorning snack and than god my hero with tweezers picked the thing out while I made some dramatic scene about the whole thing.  I have no balls and I really do like to make a scene.  I also had a little trouble with my common sense as I attempted a nice shower Saturday morning when it was around 40 degrees in the bathouse.  Lets just say the water wasnt hot and after I shivered my way through soap I realized I left the towel at the site.  Ever do the naked shake in a concrete bathouse?  Its mighty cold.

So flash forward to race day...my nerves are bundled and my adrenaline was ridiculous as I flew out of the tent at 5:30 am and put on my gear.  Running shorts really are funny to get used to and I havent yet decided if I'm suposed to wear panties underneath the pantiliner in the shorts.  Seems kind of like overkill lining?  I had my breakfast of powerade, a banana, and a protein bar all of which were too sweet for that hour.  I threatened adam out of bed and off we went to Valley Forge.  What a cutie he was taking pictures all along the way and pumping me up even though we was so tired and hungry and probably wanted to be doing anything else but this.  I took my cliff shot and lined up in the 10+ lineup as we waited for the horn to blow.

Let me just say that when you run with 1200 people the starting is a little slow and as we all laughed at the 6 minute milers bounding off into the distance we were no sooner crossing the start line and counting and breathing with our steps as we pushed our bodies awake.  The people I ran with all scattered some fell behind to keep pace and some ran quickly ahead.  I just ran what felt good and weaved in and out of a few runners.  What first striked me as shocking was the amount of people who simply bowed out to pee 1/2 a mile into the race.  You mean to tell me these people magically arent working up enough sweat to get it out of their system? 

The first mile down my heart is getting acclimated my feet are slightly achy and for some reason it seemed too long.  I felt my breath going off kilter as my weaving became this fall back steady pace.  I see a hill ahead and its steep I reach deep into my powerbanks and give myself enough force to get through the hill.  My face is getting redder I feel it and suddenly the other runners are just part of my background as I push, push, and push harder to climb up this hill.  My arms, my back, my stepping all in sync and I hit the top and come on over.  At the bottom of the hill was the mile two time check. 

I think to myself wow, two miles and so soon.  I was running under 10 minutes a mile and was frankly worried I'd peter out.  The next hill was steeper and pulled every muscle in my body as I pounded harder and harder pushing on the curve of the road using the other runners who were wlaking as motivation.  Halfway through a water station was ahead and I envisioned a much classier intake of water but instead I threw the entire cup on my shirt and body missing my mouth entirely.  A cheerful volunteer hands me another cup and I get a small sip before the cup trash can.  I have no time to mis my fallen friends as we run hard to mile three.

I started cheering at mile three because it suddenly felt easy.  I hit my comfort pace where my heart is adjusted and my head is clear.  The worst was over and I had a personal goal to reach.  MY shorts bunched up under my theighs and the fat on the bunched it like one would roll up a paper towel.  This is the definition of discomfort.  I then thought for sure you dont need panties under running shorts with liners.  Panties climbed high and the shorts pushed harder as I pick wedgies out all maintaining speed.

I watched people fitter than me fall behind me and I watched as a man with a stroller and two kids ran jubilantly ahead of me.  The final mile is the push, you either have the steam or you dont and you cant change how you feel.  There is this hill at the end of the course the other runners warned each other about and they werent kidding my go get em attitude fell low as I pushed and pushed and pushed and puuu--ss---hh--ed wow  this is the hardest hill ever.

I then see Adam and know its the end as he clicked the camera and clapped for me.  I crossed the finish line under 10 minutes a mile and stumbled over to the grass he was at.
He greeted me with a coffee and chips and all I could ge tout was wahhwer...wahhhwer puhleeeeeeze.  I kept offering the coffee and I gave in because he really knows I was missing it. 

It all seemed so surreal then.  I'm the girl who was discouraged from joining track because I "didn't fit in" with the sizes of the other girls on the team andwas forced to be a thrower. I'm the girl who got so fat so fast and then spent 5 years taking it off.  I'm the girl who never ever was accused of working out too much, who was told I'd never amount to anything from particular people, who was called so many fatish names all her life and shoved it all back in their faces.  I started an addiction that feeling t the end you just want to be over something faster and harder...you want another challange, you want to run and run again.  I'm the ex fat girl addicted to running and ankle pains, and even hills.  So accuse me of what you will....I did something new and I actually was pretty OK at it.
Even fat girls can run well :)

Current Music: Lady Gaga "Dirty Ice Cream"

You know, I usually deny that I'm a passionate foodie when a person asks.  I humbly decline the acknowlegement that I am a genius baker in the number of times it is mentioned (OK got me on that one).  Ok, so what I really mean is until I see myself planning for a camping trip by creating a "grill" menu and pounding out my own burgers after an extremely long day in a bakery so I realize my passion for my sport.

I have this itch inside of me that is always wanting more.  I want to come home and try new cookie recipes simply to smeel the sweet warm smell of butter and sugar throughout my house.  I yearn for the nights I get to cook dinner for Adam and I or for a group just to see the reactions of company (even the bad ones) as they eat bite after bite.  I'd rather be feeding the masses and making them full with happiness than I would getting a pedicure because simply I get my kicks out of it.

An upper-eschilon bakery manager once stopped me mid-thought over a poorly planned cannolis project and told me that I ooze passion like a runner craves endorphins or an astronaut loves space.  He is right without the constant stream of bakedgoods running trough my mind I'd simply be staring at the wall wondering what else is out there.

I love food.  I love chopping onions and the stingy smell that rdiates from my hands the rest of the night.  I love the burning in my nose from fresh garlic.  I love the way cold ground beef feels in my hands and how quickly it just washes away.  I love the burns, the nicks, the mess-ups, and disasters that come with experimentation.  I love learning and you never stop learning new techniques, flavors, recipe combinations, ect. 

So yeah...I took an easy camping trip and turned it into a gormet menu.  My chicken is marinating, my scratch macaroni salad is chilling, the burger mix is pressed and ready to go and all the condiments are packed in nice bags ready to finish off my rugged themed meal.

A lot of people tell me they love me for my food....and I guess its a fair compliment since thats the side I can show the easiest...

Wish me luck the race is Sunday...I wont be able to post until afterwards...love to you all

Current Music: The Flaming Lips,"She dont use Jelly"

So there are few interesting things in my mundane life that I can honestly post about and feel that its remotely worth reading...until the bomb bitch slap called change entered my world.  Things have been busy, I'm not gonna lie, but I have a feeling the adventures are worth noting for my later pleasure reading and perhaps yours as well.

Life change #1--my career as a runner.

As many of you know I recently jumped off the fat girl truck and decided I'd join a gym and do something with my bottled up psycho-energy.  Once they put me on the hormonal adjuster, Yaz I found myself in this crazy energy kick like I found my inner pre-teen hopeful professional athlete or something.  I wasn't unfamiliar with the gym previous to October but I certainly did not push myself as workouts consisted of running on a tredmill till my heart beat fast or pretending to push on the elliptical until a cute boy was done working out.  Even when Brad took em to the gym I was just killing time and trying to make him happy.  I took a few classes that were more advanced than I expected and realized I wasn't as big of a fatass after all.  This time I was running miles on the treadmill in no time and now I decided I really like this whole running thing.

I think its the fact that you control your fate and you can stop when its too much.  You get more and more refined at it and really the only skill is pushing your body, thats it....its a sport of pushing.  It also helps that it doesn't require hand eye coordination or a team to work with because generally I fail at all those matter for the obvious lack of skill, tact, and patience that I have to learn new things.

Well in March I walked to the doors of my gym to see it was closed and will reopen in a new location....needless to say it never reopened and my fatass was without any support.  Old Tacy would have slumped away and let another new habit die hard, but NEW and improved and lost 10lbs and many inches Tacy stuck it out and found an alternative...trial and park running.

The first trail I tried was a joke I maybe ran a mile and a half and gave up because Iw as cold and it was tired and I sucked.  Then the next time it wasn't snowing, raining or whatever I did a 5K, then 5miles, then 5 and a half miles. I signed up for a parkway 5 mile run and of course its next week.  Its april and it rains a lot and april rain is cold and I lack the emotional care to go run in the rain and cold...thats not fun.
I have hardly trained the past two weeks due to easter and rain and was starting to doubt I'd ever be able to just run 5 miles sunday...but then with a new sports bra (a convenient whole cup size lower than fat/old Tacys size and a shocking revelaton in my new body size) and attitude I went out today and ran 7 and a half miles the entire lehigh parkway...easily.  This is a good sign.  I'll send updates after the race but watch out world I've got a fever and the only cure is more speed.

Life change #2--relocation

So two years ago I ventured into the lehigh valley with some new furniture, my purple corolla, and this innocent small town girl vibe.  I didn't not have any means of knowing where things were besides a map of the lehigh valley and the only person I knew lived a town over.  Work was an entire city away and the drivers here were brutal.  I remember crying because I couldn't find the place my friend was eating and frankly McArthur road scared the Hell out of me.  MY plumbing was terrible my neighbors were scary and the only company I had was my tv and my telephone.  I soent a lot of money and learned the meaning of budgeting.   I also learned that you cant just lay out and tan around here in the park because parks are designated for activities and that the old steel mill was disappearing and my favorite landmark would turn into casino construction Hell.  Lucy was my first roomate and my first lesson in caring.  I got sick, I got better, I got sick again, and then I got better for good.  I dated a little, cried a lot and met Adam who is my world really.  I made friends and they all moved away and learned what its like to be left behind.  The Valley and the Allentown store are collectively my home and family and have been the first big adventure in my life.  My life here will end in 3 months when I venture down to the southeastern PA division of Wegmans and open up two new stores.
This time its paid for and financially I have little worries but it is sad to say goodbye to the first place that welcomed me into adulthood its like your first boyfriend there is always a special place in your heart for the place you failed and suceeded in.

Today I began my Collegeville conquest as I scampered down 29 to see the sights call some apartments and get a feel for the area and the places I might like to live.  At first it was pleasant as I left the hustle of the valley and found calmer quieter places nestled in the woodsy areas of the suburbs of the valley.  I stopped at a few friendly gas stations and got coffee and papers and pee breaks I noted some for rent signs and before I knew it the roads did this twist and then a bend and then a shift and I was dumped in Collegeville at a light unsure of where to turn.  People beeped at me as if they could sense my blissful ignorance to their turf.  They glared in my window as I bit my finger and muddled my way to a diner for some pancakes.  These were by far the best damn banana pancakes I ever did eat and I circled some places made some calls and got a lot of rejection.  Its amazing how realtors are now.  You say the word rental and they scorn you like you are this idiot who got lost in the woods and asked for a pharmacy.  I guess I should have assumed it wouldn't be a easy this time as it was when I went to the valley stumbling over friendly Patrick and his goofiness. 
Did I mention at the diner a handicapped person decided to take his life anger out on my with his high expensive van setup and he road raged my ass into a corner and flipped me off as he went away....I couldn't even swera at him because I guess if I was legless I would be mean too.

The slightly rainy day turned into a terential downpour as I seeked shelter at a WaWa near Malvern.  I got one final paper and started calling some number of which it occurred to me this is over 60 days ahead of time landlords do not want to talk to me now.

I think I'l love the area I'm going to its quiet and friendly and a lot quainter than what I'm used to.  I wont miss the craziness on 22 or  the deadly accidents on 78.  I wont miss the time it takes to get around but I miiiight miss all the convenient shopping centers everywhere.  I didn't see any Targets and this just might be awful if its the case.  I'm pretty addicted to Kohls and Target.

When the one landlord told me "welcome to the area" I really felt a good spot in my heart over this.  Its bittersweet to say goodbye but so nice to say a new hello and embark on a new place with the newer, slimmer, less confused, more athletic and adventurous, getting-more-patient, improved Tacy.  But dont worry I still have my sass and I'm sure everyday isn;t going to be as peaceful as today.

Current Music: KIngs of Leon "Notion"

So most of you whom know me well know that I have an inexplicable ability to get into the most dramatic and strange-like situations that I simply have to tell.  Yesterday was probably a shining star example of a day that I proudly display scars and bruises over a gigantically strange kind of day.

Yesterday I went up to Jack Frost with my boyfriend, Adam and company to participate in an annual Philadelphia tradition, "The Cardboard Classic," part of a tradition known to Philly as "skip work Friday."  Basically my interpretation of this event is a couple thousand drunkards on a mountain and about 400 well constructed and not-so-well constructed cardboard sleds competing in a series of sledding events down the tubing mountain.  Adam and his best friend Brady were the engineers behind our sled but I did get to participate in some very half-hazard gluing and duct taping of the machine. 

In the beginning our company of 5 sledders were on the end'ish area of the line causing us an extremely long commute up the mountain past all the hollering drunkards.  Because everyone in the group is just too nice to yell at people I took on a "bitchy" role as I barked at the people who were really just putting their own lives in danger as we carried him.  We safely got Wall-e up the hill and so many people were taking pictures of th sled and cheering us on we just prayed we werent a sled that hit the hill and blew apart immediately.  We coordinated our game plan and the other girl in our group, Angie and I hopped into our little cardboard coffin and put our lives in the hands of the pusher boys behind us who eventually would hop into the sled.


Wall-e successfully made it to about the middle of the hill where an entire pile of snow collecting from the bottom slowed us to a stop.  I was pretty sure in that moment we would just tip over but we made it to the end and celebrated as our sled basically survived te fall.

Of course, as I mentioned, there were a lot of drunk people who gathered at the bottom of the hill  causing a backup.  We were watching the race from the bottom while we waited for a large cabin sled behind us to get moved.  I may have noticed it was abandoned and requested moving our sled sideways instead but I was too busy standing behind Wall-e texting my mom back to tell her how the racde ended.  Had I been watching I would have seen the Tobaggan sled with 10 drunk men in garbage bags flying down the hill.

I put the cell in my pocket and looked up to hear the crunch of cardboard immediately before I was lauched from behind Wall-e into that abandoned house and onto the cardboard couch sitting somewhere 3 feet into the sled.  I was pretty sure I was knocked unconscious stupid until I realized what I was feeling was intense leg pain.  I then looked up to see that Wall E was actually lodged into the doorway of the house, his little Wall-e head decaptiated in the wreck and a yellow crunched box facing me.  At this point I knew the group probably jumped out of the way and was busy yelling at the sledders in black garbage bags so I started yelling out for help as I envisioned my worst nightmare being hurt and stuck in a sled for hours.  Just as I let out a single yelp a pair of eyes looked into a crack between the sleds and Adam ripped a piece of cardboard like some sort of "Incredible Hulk" super hero.

Call me hopeless but him ripping boxes away and screaming my name, picking me up and getting me out of there was so very night and shining armor I was just thrilled he was rescuing me until he put me down.  My leg was legitimatlly busted up and he put me by a tree where I told him to go find Wall-e and his friends I would just camp out.

The day ended for the other sledders early because of a fist fight that broke out shortly after the crash and unfortuneately we were one of the last sleds in the run.  Adam and the group came back and he picked the paintchips off my face and we agreed we were hungry and needed a break before we snowboarded.  Our poor precious Wall-e was put into the shredder at some point yesterday and I'm sure Brady and Adam's hearts broke a little.  We walked back to the car and Adam turns to a friend and says, "I envision Hell to be like this, we build a sled that gets canned, we are stuck walking in and out of sloppy drunks, fires in some places, and my girlfriend is so hurt she cant walk."

Things did turn around after we hit up a little pizza joint and I got IBProfin and a break.  We headed up to Big Boulder and decided to try out snowboarding. Now call me a wimp but I'm pretty sure after you spend a good three feet in the air after an intense cardboard crash you are a little shaky for trying new petrifying things.  After a few practice tries Ada, took me on the slope where I first had a mis-hap with the ski lift and ended up on my face before the thing even picked us up.  I shook the entire way up the mountain and my heart pounded as I got off the lift and landed directly on my ass where the next set of people would come off.  We got me locked in and ready to go and I performed as well as a circus monkey trying to paint picasso.

Lets just say that Adamis the most patient person in the world as I shot out excuse after excuse as I simply got up, fell down, got up fell down, boarded into other people, wobbeled around and sat down again.  I was p[retty content that I was just gonna sit on my ass and scoot down the hill because I couldn't get up and we tried new way after new way all the while me asking him to please "not hate me tomorrow."

Let me also mention that we were on the hill doing this self beating up a long time when the whole group came to help.  I guess I spooked by all the people and finally my girl came in and got me to the bottom almost well averaging only a few pummels in the icy snow.

Of course after my horrible snowboard adventure we got to the bottom went into the lodge and when we came back out and I was ready for more my board got swiped..of course.

I threw in the towel because the only way my luck for the day was going to get worse was if it spread to another person.  I enjoyed learning the new thing but I was simply worn out from the entire crazy, wild day.
I am just so thankful I don't have to be into work until later today because I wanted to tell this story and I really need a little time off (well on) my ass.

Please be laughing through this, it is ridiculous and I promise when I come across pictures I will post them.

So I simply must post my more recent adventure in living....waking up.

Ok so it wasn't just waking up that was the startling, oh my god, amazing moment of life but it was waking up after being terribly sick on Saturday and discovering that my brain dumped part of the previous day.

I didn't realize I had suffered from a system reboot until I lugged my tired body out of bed stomped off into the bathroom squeemed under the bright glow of lights and felt the slight lingering of a nyquil hangover.  I searched through the medicine cabinet and saw no signs of the elixor and then found myself in the kitching staring a bottle of nyquil, a bottle of dayquil, and some lemon juice sitting on the table with receipts and purse scattered across it.  I peered in the fridge to find that I had also purchased chinese food and eaten some of it.  I was charmed I left myself lunch but baffled because all I remembered of the day before was complaining of an earache and my boss tell me to leave in an hour.


It might have settled my nerves if I remembred sitting in the chinese restaurant waiting for the food, or if I remembered driving my car, or if perhaps I remembered what I took when or when I went to bed, or if I spoke to anyone on the phone.  As far as I was aware I was at work and then it was tomorrow.

Unfortunately if I called a friend nobody remmebers talking to me but Adam and somehow I got angry with him for never calling me back (even though I'm pretty sure we never talked in the first place).  Andy cant remember saturday and anyone else on my phone list was a call in not out and usually missed.

What is exciting is that in my coma I stayed unharmed and uneventfully quiet however knowing that I may not really have been with it is a bit scary.  Or nyquil wiped out my memory causing me to have lost 12 hours of life I'll never get back.

So this post is simply a plea from myself to myself to get out of the sweatpants and onto fixing some things around here.  The past week I've been so consumed with the job interview and posting process at work that I have pretty much pushed really necessary things off to the side.  Lucy has even responded violently to me by remind me of her needs in destructive and otherwise annoying protests against her cage, plastic litterpan, and food dish.  She honestly is telling me to run the sweeper by taking her food and hay and dragging into complex patterns across my living room floor.  Last night after dragging her treats into what looked like an ice cream cone to me all she could do was slump over in disgust when I hand pushed all the treats by her food and proceeded to only put half back.  She is going to get eaten by killer mice today but as it was last night was the finale of Top Chef and that show really sucks me in hardcore.

Lucy might also be acting out because she knows about a week about my bathroom light burned out.  Instead of simply picking up a bulb at the store I already work at, I've let it go and have been getting myself ready before dark or turning on every light in the house to shower at night.  Its not that I'm against buying the bulb or broke...I just don't feel like hopping on a chair removing the glass cover having the debris from the shade sprinkle into my mouth so that I am eating spiders or any more of that nonsense. 

You don't need to lecture me, Adam already has everytime he visits.  One day he is going to hurt himself in my dark bathroom and all Hell is going to break loose and I probably still will forget to get around to it.

Now that I genuinelly don't feel well, I really feel obligated to get this stuff done, what better excuse then I'm not going anywhere.  But instead I'll use the excuse a little longer and hope that one day fairies will pick up bunny mess and change light bulbs...maybe